Pseudo - what a preposterous question! Naturally, I love it. Now let’s figure this thing out.
This is going to sound outright bizarre, but is there a sex-scented perfume? My ex is coming over next week to pick up her stuff, and I was thinking of ways I could make her jealous via the façade of an active sex life. Can you help me??
As far as I know, there is no such thing as a sex-scented perfume. Personally, that sounds about as appealing as eating pre-digested food. You might want your fragrance to lead up to Dirty Moose Friskiness (DMF), but to have the scent itself reek of DMF aftermath would certainly be over-egging the pudding.
If you want to break it down into boy/girl odor components, though, that would be possible. For instance, there are several fragrances that boast of containing a semen accord:
Etat Libre d’Orange Magnificent Secretions (semen, sweat, blood, and milk)
Le Labo Musc 25 (semen and musk)
Thierry Mugler Cologne (semen and woody lemon)
By the sounds of your current situation, however, you’ve got plenty of your own supply going spare, so let’s turn our attention to perfumes of the female persuasion.
It forever seared my frontal lobe when my friend Alison proclaimed that Vivienne Westwood Boudoir smells of “pissy granny knickers” and that “men love it”. Boudoir’s tuberose and amber combine into something sweaty and creamy. LesNez Manoumalia is another trampy tropical.
And my lady-loving pal Lisa once made a revealing comment after smelling Serge Lutens Féminité du Bois.
“Mmm, cedar,” she purred approvingly. “Smells c#nty!”
Cedarwood often has a phantom smell of buttermilk hovering nearby, as some have picked up on in Eau d’Italie Paestum Rose, for instance. If we allow “tangy creaminess” to signify “female”, that leads us to milky, ripe perfumes like Etat Libre d’Orange Hotel Slut, 10 Corso Como, Christian Dior Hypnotic Poison, Guerlain Shalimar, and Guerlain Attrape-Coeur.
Another tack is to go the zoo route, with animalic fragrances containing musk, civet, or honey. In small concentrations, honey smells of ripe flesh, and in high doses smells like urine. Beautiful honey-based scents include By Kilian Back to Black, Santa Maria Novella Acqua di Cuba, MAC Africanimal, and Parfums DelRae Amoureuse.
Serge Lutens Miel de Bois, on the other hand, smells too much like hobo trousers. Steer clear unless you want to convey intimacy with Boxcar Willie.
L’Artisan Parfumeur Dzing!, Le Labo Labdanum 18 and Jean Desprez Bal à Versailles all stay on the right side of funky, animal-wise. Serge Lutens Musc Koublai Khan is another matter. A spritz of that will have your ex thinking you’ve turned to farm animals in your time of need. You don’t want her calling the cops - or the Humane Society.
As entertaining as it is to convey olfactory orgies by matchmaking “personal bits” perfumes, I reluctantly concede that I’m over-thinking this. You’re better off just spraying a nice perfume into the air a few hours before your ex turns up. Nothing too cheap or cheesy - you want to imply that your hypothetical new girlfriend has some class.
I suggest Stella McCartney Stella, a musky, musty rose that has a built-in “morning after” aspect.
But to make sure you have all the tools at your disposal, I consulted Dr. Avery Gilbert, sensory psychologist and author of What the Nose Knows. Just imagine his delight at being asked to apply the full force of his scientific brainpower to your Machiavellian tomfoolery.
Dr. Gilbert replied:
As a student of animal sex behavior - including what's politely referred to as the "competitive mating scenario" - I can suggest a couple of olfactory tactics for Mr. Pseudo.
Does his ex have a sister? If so, then spritz around a bit of the sister's favorite scent. Or the perfume of the ex's bestest girlfriend.
Context makes a big difference in odor perception. So be sure to leave an unfamiliar toothbrush on the bathroom sink and a thong hanging on the inside doorknob.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen: Dr. Avery Gilbert, scholar and master of head-f#cking through the nose.
Speaking from experience (from both sides of the break-up fence), if your ex truly has moved on, nothing will make her jealous - not Eau de Dirty Moose Friskiness, not Scarlett Johansson lounging around in your shirt and smoking a cigarette. (Well, maybe Scarlett would give her pause for thought.)
But look on the bright side: if you take all the energy you've expended in devising this smell-based skullduggery and apply it to your next (successful) relationship, you'll never face this problem again.
Fumeheads, what holographic “active sex life” fragrances can you suggest for PseudoGigolo?