Perfume Pen Pals: Profumum Acqua Viva




Katie,

Remember when you met my friend Diane and she wanted a recommendation for a lemon fragrance? And you thought you could pass along a list, from which she'd discover a lovely, sunny perfume and forever feel indebted to your knowledge and kindness? [I'd pitched all the usual suspects: Ô de Lancôme, Annick Goutal Eau d'Hadrien, Christian Dior Escale à Portofino, Fresh Sugar, Heeley Oranges and Lemons Say the Bells of St. Clement's. -- Katie] We were all so naive back then.

For many years Diane has rejected every obvious and obscure lemon suggestion, which reminds me of watching Liberace lament over his inability to find the perfect woman, someone who'd live up to the lofty standards of his mother.



 Liberace muses on the search for Mrs. Liberace.


I'd even asked Diane what her mother wore when she was young -- it was Chanel No. 5 -- and when that provided no clues, I took the Liberace correlation to its logical conclusion and suggested that perhaps Diane doesn't even like lemon. "Balderdash," she said, though not quite that, I just like imagining people speaking in anachronisms. "I love lemon!"

Her most frequent complaint is one of persistence -- lemon perfumes fade too quickly -- which is basically a complaint against science. I explained the success of any lemon-centric perfume comes down to how seamlessly it transitions to other ingredients, which comes down to the quality and compatibility of those ingredients, but that's like telling a child Christmas transitions into New Year's when the child only wants PRESENTS. Diane only wants LEMON.



I'd noticed Profumum Acqua Viva getting attention, primarily for the reason most Profumums get attention: its enormity. Lemons the size of Phillip Seymour Hoffman's head, the reviews seemed to promise, and so I bought a bottle, decanted some for Diane, and watched her euphorically (and metaphorically) throw herself into the air and proclaim Acqua Viva the very best perfume in the world!

Philip Seymour Hoffman's head: too big to fit in this photo.


"Balderdash," I said. I'd worn Acqua Viva and while its lemon is astoundingly bright and loud, like the 5th Dimension played at ear-splitting volume, it's not better than many of our suggestions. Plus, at $240, it's nearly a dollar a decibel!




To make my point, I decanted Diane several more perfumes, a blind smell test that would prove she doesn't truly believe what she says she believes. (Admittedly, I'd now gone off the rails in my quest to help a friend.)

She found Annick Goutal Hadrien Absolu too simple. And she'd already rejected the original for being too weak. (Wearing Eau d'Hadrien is like wearing nothing at all, with some slight citrus topnotes. If you look at Eau d'Hadrien's scent pyramid, it has citrus in the tiny point of the triangle and then a bunch of empty spaces beneath it.)

She thought neither Heeley Verveine nor Miller et Bertaux green, green, green and...green was sufficiently committed to its lemon, and while she liked Monsieur Balmain, she said it had a powdery smell. Her favorite among all the decants? Acqua Viva. Again. "It's like a big lemon firework," she said. "It reminds me of Trini Lopez on the jukebox when I was little."




Trini Lopez! Not even the 5th Dimension but Trini Lopez! Is it enough to know you've made someone happy? Because it's not enough for me. All along Diane had been asking for something exactly like Acqua Viva and now that she has it, now that she's finally fulfilled, I have this nagging feeling she could do better.

I don't trust contentment and I mourn the end of Diane's long, frustrating journey. The shock of success from finding someone her favorite perfume is somehow upsetting to me. Please don't ever try Acqua Viva, KP, because you might love it.

Dan


36 comments:

  1. "All along Diane had been asking for something exactly like Acqua Viva and now that she has it, now that she's finally fulfilled, I have this nagging feeling she could do better."

    Story of my life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are we still talking about perfume, Nathan?

      Delete
    2. It's all just undercurrents and riptides, Dan.

      Delete
  2. Oh, Dan – I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU!!!!~ What an exquisite review and I have a bottle of that Cologne. Now, my heart is pounding out of my chest. You have made my entire evening. I have worn that fragrance and people go crazy over it. The dry down after 4 hours is………… [I’m speechless]……………….. People have actually said to me that it gives them chills when I wear it. They ask who makes it and I tell them that it is an Italian family and they say: “Yep, them Italians know their beauty”. “Byron, that cologne smells amazing”.

    I wouldn’t say that is a beautiful fragrance, I think it is very masculine and intoxicating. I looked at that bottle on LuckyScent for years before I made the commitment. When I received it in the mail and sprayed some on after a good shower, I thought I was literally going to be transfigured. Take me now, LORD, I’m ready. I have NEVER, EVER in my life smelled anything so RICH and GORGEOUS!!!~ This family uses Amalfi Lemons on the Mediterranean coast of Italy. That formula is patented and they will NEVER disclose the complex ingredients in that formula.

    Please folks, if you are reading this, trust Dan and I on this one. It is unreal. Don’t listen to those nattering-nabobs-of-negativity. This is an olfactory masterpiece by any means.

    You must be very careful and NEVER spray more than 2 sprays of this on your body. Whether it is in the chest region or a shot behind both knees. It will thrill people when they get a whiff. I had this on one day and for some reason people all day could not stop commenting on it. I’m talking guys, too. That is impossible!!!~ It just does something to people and after a while it really got to be quite amusing. I never felt uncomfortable about wearing it, because the responses from everyone were so heartfelt and sincere. I will always sing the praises of this cologne and I will NEVER, EVER be without it.

    Get this - on those dismal dreary endless winter days, this cologne can literally change your mood. I kid you not. It is worth every freakin’ penny. It gives you a reason to face the day!!!~

    Dan, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing such an AWESOME job and giving this fragrance such a beautiful editorial spotlight. Just OUTSTANDING writing as always. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!!~

    Respectfully yours,
    Byron………….

    [sidebar: How was your vay-cay at the beach. I just know you had to have had an incredible time]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Behind both knees? You need to write a column on perfume placement, Byron, because never in my life had I considered my knees.

      Regarding the Acqua Viva response you've enjoyed, we're restless creatures and in the name of experimentation and discovery, we sometimes forget how good a clean, bracing citrus can smell.

      Vacation was fine, if you don't count the septic-tank issues, my girlfriend almost burning her face off in a fire pit, or me locking my keys in the car while we were a hundred miles from anywhere. I don't vacation well.

      Delete
    2. I can't breathe!!!!!!! You are HYSTERICAL!!!~ GOD BLESS YOU and your GIRLFRIEND!!!~ Now, I can't stop giggling......... Oh, you are WONDERFUL!!!~

      -Byron

      Delete
  3. This was a very funny blog post, and I say that as someone not as easily reduced to an incredibly verbal form of breathlessness and speechlessness as Byron.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's incredible how '!!!~' can convey speechlessness & breathlessness so brilliantly! (By the way it took me 30 seconds + to find the '~' key on my keyboard!!!~)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Replies
    1. Hey Kitten Katie - LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!~

      I love you people - You are GREAT - I can't stop laughing!!!!!!~

      -Byron.........

      Delete
  6. Hi all of you perfume pals. this is Diane. Thanks again to both Dan and Katie for helping me find my perfect perfume! It's nice to leave the house not smelling like blood and semen (for once). Now that the journey for my perfect lemon fragrance is over, I'll just have to identify something else in my life for Dan to find. Let's start with a boyfriend. Maybe a cat sitter. Maybe a boyfriend who cat sits?

    I was going to say my favorite part of this post was the Trini Lopez video but Byron's comments trump even that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Diane!!!!!!! Even though the satisfying conclusion of your pleasure quest left Dan roiling in existential discomfort (although that's pretty much his factory setting, so don't feel bad), I'm glad you can cross "find a big lemon firework" off your "to do" list.

      Delete
    2. Howdy Diane - I don't even know you and I already know you are a BRIGHT ANGEL!!!~ You are a lovely soul and I can see why you hang with Dan. He is ultra-cool and I have never met him or Katie but I just know in my knower that you three are good souls!!!~ I know for a fact you are going to find a great man who will take good care of you and treat you great!!!!~ I will say a prayer for you and watch what happens.

      IT'S ALL GOOD and it was lovely meeting you.

      GOD BLESS YA!!!!!!~

      -Byron

      Delete
    3. Well Dan, you've done it again, you're my official life coach. You've led me to Byron and it's love. Yes, a virtual love perhaps but the connection that Byron and I is so ~!!!!!!~ that I know we're going to make it! For those reading, Byron and I are registered at Macys and yes, the only thing we need is Acqua Viva. We'll post videos of Dan and Katie dancing to Trini Lopez during our reception.

      Delete
    4. I'm going to work "I know in my knower" into all future conversations.

      Delete
    5. You people are hysterical - I cannot stop laughing!!!~

      -Byron.......

      Delete
    6. Oh, Katie - How I wish you and Dan could get this family on your Blog for a discussion of this fragrance. That would be so incredible. You would probably need an Italian translator. I have seen the family's picture on their website and they look so European chic. That cultured quiet elegance that drives me insane. This fragrance is passion and an artistic masterpiece. Katie - I am going to say it is my manifesto fragrance. It was going to be Carnal Flower, Musc Ravageur or Clive Christian but for some reason this one is Killer on me.

      This is from your WELCOME tab on your Home page on your Blog. I just read this for the first time today: It is so perfect. It is so beautiful and simply stated. It is so……… YOU. PERFECT:

      QUOTE: “I find the simple act of wearing a fragrance you love does so many positive things. You make your heart a little happier, you express your individuality, you feel more "yum". Not to get all Oprah on your hindquarters, but a quick spritz does lift you up and make you feel that all is right with the world -- even for just a little bit. It's joy in a bottle -- and not the Thunderbird kind!” – END QUOTE

      Katie, my obsession with cologne and fragrance started early. I remember women wearing perfume going to the Prom when I was a creepy littl’ kid. These women would walk by in their gowns and perfume and it literally took everything in my power not to pass out from the Beauty and smell. All these women dolled up and good to go. From that moment on, I was hooked out of my mind. Then, when I finally turned 13 years old, I put cologne on and it was called: Jaguar. At this military school I attended, it was a real status symbol for a guy to wear cologne. Somehow, these guys were more intelligent, more handsome, college prepatory and class and money exuded out of them. Of course, I was poor and could never afford even the drugstore colognes, but time changes everything and I slowly evolved over the decades and somehow I ended up on your Blog learning so much from you and Dan, that I never knew was possible. It has really been fun and I am certain it will continue to be in the future. You are a beautiful light in this world, Katie and brighten all of our days. If I could encapsulate one word to define you it would be: JOY!!!!~

      And, yes – Jean Patou’s JOY is not of this earth. I will never forget the first time I ever smelled the Parfume. It literally gave me RUSHES. Look, my heart is pounding out of my chest again………

      My absolute favorite word in the human language is: JOY!!!~

      -ciao, Bella…

      -Byron……

      Delete
    7. Byron, it seems the throttle on all of your senses has always been opened to FULL. Thanks for the background color on your scent obsession. And I appreciate the fizz you add to the comments section!

      Delete
  7. When I find Diane a potential boyfriend and she reports back that he's "too powdery," that's when I'll know I taught her well. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Or maybe that "he's all top notes and is gone in an hour" . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nathan, I'm sure Diane appreciates your restraint in avoiding predictable terms like longevity, projection, dry down or, god forbid, soliflore.

      Delete
    2. Don't speak for me, Rolleri.

      Nathan, do go on....

      Delete
    3. Hahahaaaa...

      Nathan, I'm all ears, too.

      Delete
  9. I seriously cannot believe there's a scent out there that out-lemons Monsieur Balmain. I have to try this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stefush (buster), It's definitely louder than MB. And sharper. It burns your skin when you spray it, and while I'd like to believe that means it's "working," I don't think the theory applies to perfume.

      Delete
    2. Dan (penpal) - A lemon that burns your skin upon application? AN EVIL LEMON? An evil lemon that is louder and sharper than M. Balmain and then takes M. Balmain out to the alley and slaps it in the face and leaves it in the dumpster?

      Bring it, o foul citrus thou!

      Delete
    3. Okay Stefush, I just experienced Acqua Viva for myself, and boy does Diane know her lemons! Because that thing is LEMONY. Way lemonier than Monsieur Balman. Acqua Viva is the Molecule 01 of lemon perfumes, with its one ingredient of lemon. It should be called Lemon 01.

      Delete
    4. Well pucker me timbers, mama! It's off to find me this here Candyland of Lemon scent!

      Delete
  10. I'd love to try it too but there are 240 reasons (or, if like me you're in the UK - 154..!) why I'll remain a lemon-free zone...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the catch with Acqua Viva, Derbyman. It's like buying a $100 hamburger at Le Cirque: it might be better than a $15 one (though it might not), but it's still a hamburger.

      Delete
  11. I've reviewed a bunch of lemon perfumes in my quest for Lemon: Nuvol de Llimona, Philly & Phill, and the yummy Untitled No. 7 from Scent Bar. I like my lemons a little foodier than it sounds like your friend was going for - Shalimar descendants, if you will. But if you want clean & clear lemon (which seems where you're going), I don't know of anything better. It DOES seem as though there should be tons of lemon scents out there - but there aren't. Guess it's hard to do a really lemony lemon without having it be like Pledge?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah, foody lemons open up a whole 'nother can of meringues, don't they?

      Delete
    2. I LOVE me the foody lemons.

      Now I'm off to smell this baby, though. I love lemons and I love Philip Seymour Hoffman's head; I gotta try this thing! (I thought I had smelled it but now looking at my notes I don't think I have. It's Not The Perfume I Was Thinking It Was. Must snort!)

      Then maybe some Shalimar topping...

      Delete