Fragrance Tips for the Office


Every so often, I venture forth from my Boy in a Bubble existence and interact with other members of the Fumiverse. Most of the time, my interaction takes the form of unsolicited comments on other people's fragrance shopping (revisit the "Terre d'Hermès incident" here). But on rare occasions, my comments are not only solicited, but even broadcast on a screen slightly bigger than YouTube. I knew my appearance on the Fox 5 San Diego Morning News last Monday was going to be lively as soon as the producer pulled me urgently into the make-up room. (The make-up room, also known as the handicapped toilet equipped with a hairdryer and a mirror bordered with showbiz light bulbs.) She fixed me with a pleading look. "What do you say when someone's perfume stinks?" I hoped she didn't mean me. "I mean, we had a woman in here yesterday, and she smelled like she was wearing trout perfume." I tried to be delicate. "Um, are you sure it was her perfume?" "Yes! Someone saw her spray it on in the green room. It smelled like trout -- swear to God." Before I could answer, she was seized by another, even more appalling thought. "Oh yeah! And there's a perfume that..." her words fell away as she jabbed her finger accusingly at an empty spot on a shelf in the handicapped toilet/make-up room. "It's usually right there! It smells like tampons! Tampons -- swear to God. It's called Kai. Kai! Do you like Kai?" If I'd actually stopped to consider, I'd say Kai was a pretty harmless gardenia/orange blossom affair, but the producer's question hung in air. And it really was less a question than a demand for an oath of allegiance. I eagerly denounced Kai. Kai roundly dispatched, she hustled me out of the handicapped toilet straight to my on-camera chat with anchorman Raoul Martinez about office fragrance dos and don'ts. He winged it pretty well, considering the questions were shoved into his hand at the 10 second countdown to air. Interview over, Raoul and the cameraman zipped off to their next in-studio assignment, and the producer huddled back in to continue our perfume discussion. It was as if the live TV segment I'd just done was merely a not-worth-mentioning interruption to our girl talk. I deeply admired her ability to focus. "Yeah, so give me some recommendations for a new perfume. I don't like powdery, I don't like flowery, I don't like smoky." I looked balefully at the selection of powdery, flowery, smoky perfumes I'd brought for the show. She picked up the bottle closest to her. It was Mona di Orio Nuit Noir. In my head, I was screaming a slow-motion, action-thriller-style "Noooooooooooooooooo!" as she leaned in to sniff the nozzle. I was too late to head off her trout tampon horror at Nuit Noir's tropical diaper jasmine jungle allure. Her grimace was a perfect dupe of the Greek tragedy mask. I clumsily retrieved the bottle from her hands. "I don't think that's, uh, something you would really...uh, like." The producer shook the stank free, then got a wistful look in her eye. "I just want a guy to smell my perfume and not ever want to leave." Jesus! I didn't want the hypothetical guy to leave, either. Don't leave my producer, mister! And what would keep him close? Vanilla? I bet vanilla would keep him close. A bit of musk in there? But not smoky or powdery! Maybe a bit of fruit would be okay. I wondered if Body Shop Love Etc would fit the bill. It was youthful, vanillic, sensual but fresh. No tampons or trout were harmed in the making of Love Etc. I didn't really have anything with me that would fit the bill, but I figured she might go for Bond No. 9 Chinatown, what with its jaunty mix of peachy sweetness and patchouli spice. Scarred by the Nuit Noir experience, she took a tentative sniff. Her tension melted. "Oh, this is kind of nice. It's different, though...." She sprayed some on. "It is different. But I like it." She went for a couple more sprays. I got a little worried, because I'd just given my on-air spiel about going easy on perfume at work, and there she was spritzing a cloud of hardcore Bond No. 9 baby diva perfume in the middle of a newsroom. While she spritzed, anchorwoman Arthel Neville showed up at "my" desk. "Hi! I wanted to smell what you brought in. I'd like to try something new." This was turning out to be the real Fragrance Tips segment. I offered Arthel a sniff of my Chloé Lavande-sprayed forearm. She smelled and shrugged. Looking at my bottles, her eye fell upon the rollerball pen of Fresh Citron de Vigne perfume oil. "Ooh, what's this?" she exclaimed, picking it up. As I described its mix of citrus and "pinot noir" earthiness, she scribbled the rollerball on her arm. "Oh, I like this one! What's it called? This is great for work!" I looked back over at the producer, who was now playing with the cool loup/saddle stirrup Voyage d'Hermès bottle. "Is this for guys or girls?" asked the producer. "Oh, unisex?" She took a long appreciative sniff of the nozzle. "Mmmmmmm! I would totally date a guy who wore this. Totally date him."

But what should the producer wear to make the guy not ever want to leave? Any suggestions?

23 comments:

  1. I love how the anchor had to come on and wing it by reading from the back of an envelope. When he mentions "that co-worker", his eyes shift to some spot off-camera. And after your tampon comment, he was a quivering wreck--very funny! Anyway, you were great; very natural, the Katie Puckrick I know from the YouTube videos. Your writing here is wonderful and funny too: "I deeply admired her ability to focus". LOL! Through it all--the unintentional comedy (on the producer's part), the anchor's near crack-up--Katie Puckrick shines! And thanks for the tips. My former boss, who was a very heavy smoker, used to apply so much Old Spice that, in conversation with him, the smell would come at you in gusts just as if he had been gargling with it.

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  2. i want to know the name of the trout perfume. that would make some guys never want to leave, i'm pretty sure.

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  3. Katie! I'm still out of the country, but tuned in to see you work your magic on the news. Wonderful segment, and you came off full of natural charm and ease.

    Hope to see you do more news shows in the future. The Today Show, here she comes!

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  4. I love that interview! The anchorman - "do I call it cologne?" You - "it's all perfume". The anchorman (resolutely being a guy) - "cologne".

    The anchorman - "where do I spray it?" You - (sprays his wrist). The anchorman - (panicky reach toward face with the 'aftershave slap motion'). You - (tells him just to bump his wrists together). The anchorman - (secretly fears friends will call him a girl).

    As for the producer, she hates powdery and flowery, but she can handle a gigantic poof of Chinatown? Go figure.

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  5. The producer might want to consider Infusion d'Iris, though some might find it a bit "altmodisch". Personally, I think it's soft, feminine heaven in a bottle, not girly but grown woman who's in touch with her soft side. It is one dimensional but she wants the guy to focus on her not become distracted by an hour long exploration of the development of her fragrance - and neither does she in this particular situation.

    There's also Chanel no. 5 Eau Premiere. Elegant, contemporary, approachable.

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  6. I guess “self maintenance” is the key if you want your man to stay…considering that ALL men like variety…gay or straight…relying just on scent it self may be ..ohm…naïve. Wearing something so intimate like perfume only because someone else like it feels to me like self abuse. And as Katie preaches…” Fragrance was send to us from heavens (or something like) to indulge”…or am I wrong?…
    Perhaps some bare bare basics from B&BW or Body Shop as you already mentioned could be safe and inexpensive way to start the adventure without financial quilt.
    Great video Katie! You handled the interview with your natural grace and dignity.
    btw…nice shoes;-)... lots of love! Brett:-)

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  7. I don't think that the producer seriously thought that any fragrance would secure her eternal romantic bliss - but fragrances speak to our feelings and I'm pretty sure that for a moment she had this image in her head: A wonderful man who goes weak in the knees whenever he senses her fragrance in the air - or on her, obviously. Being a smart woman she probably has real life strageties for relationship beginnings or maintenance.

    Do you guys - male or female - have a scent that turns your knees to gello? I know I do and it's Acqua di Gio because a man who is very close to my heart wears it and wears it well. When I sense it on a stranger walking by it always makes me go "Woooow" and I think it always will. Who knows whether I would have picked it as a favorite pre-Him, maybe not, but it's etched into the map of my brain.
    Fragrances aren't matchmakers - they are the stuff dreams and fantasies are made of.

    I would never wear a fragrance just to please anyone if I didn't like it myself. Come to think of it, I have never asked "Do you like this fragrance" (just as I have never asked the quesion "Do I look fat in this dress" ;-), but I have stopped wearing a perfume that made my boyfriend's nose itch and his eyes water. That was kind of counterproductive to the whole endeavor ;-)

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  8. I absolutely agree with you Junelady :-)

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  9. All such good advice and trenchant observations, my lovelies!

    Junelady, I wanted to recommend No. 5 Eau Premiere to the producer, and I had it right there on the desk, but the fact that she didn't like "powdery" stopped me. No 5 EP is a bit powdery.

    Nathan! So kind of you to stop by all the way from Paris. Do give my warmest regards to Denyse when you see her - I'm such an admirer of Grain de Musc!

    Too funny, stellaglo! And thanks so much for the plaudits, queencupcake.

    Ha-ha, sunnybrett - those are just about my favorite shoes! Thanks for noticing them in the gloom.

    m61, you crack me up. Accurate analysis. And things were moving so quickly, I didn't get a chance to elaborate on how guys are more comfortable calling perfume "cologne", regardless of the fact that they're not necessarily referring to something that smells like 4711.

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  10. I've never thought of no. 5 as powdery - to the extent that i've ever really THOUGHT about it, I've probably only felt it - but I suppose your're right - could it be the absence of modern juicy fruitiness that makes it appear a bit "dry", I wonder. And maybe powdery is more the case for EP than the original.

    The reason why the lady doth protest a lot is as follows:

    If she doesn't like powdery then Infusion d'Iris is even more out of the question.

    Funny thing is that I would also say about myself that I'm not a powedery fan, but here I am loving Infusion d'Iris.

    However, I'm also quickly maxed out on the stuff - I will soon crave something with more facets and character, for a lack of a better word. But I love having it in my collection 'cause some days it's just the perfect harsh life medicine.

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  11. I think that anchor had NO idea how to handle that situation....You had him in the palm of your hand, Katie, a quivering jelly of confused masculinity! Classic. LOL ; )

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  12. LaBonneVivante: :-D With your permission I will save that phrase for later use.

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  13. Junelady: and I will save "harsh life medicine" for later use.

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  14. Great video Katie, but that poor anchorguy was so confused -- he seemed embarrassed the whole time, for no reason! To add insult to injury, did anyone notice there's a news story about shopping for panties airing on the monitor behind his head?

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  15. N, that panty thing is quite hilarious, and no, I did not notice that!

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  16. Hey! I'm wearing Kai today, and I don't smell like gd tampon! Also, my H loves Kai, so if it indeed DOES smell like a tampon, that's sick.

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  17. Heh-heh, SweetsQueen! All I can suppose is that the producer associates light white florals with the masking fragrance they put on scented tampons. And do they even have scented tampons anymore?

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  18. Hahaha, you were great! I'm sorry I missed you on my local news. Hilarious that you outed the producer for her tampon/trout comments.

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  19. Nuit Noire - "tropical diaper jasmine jungle"....

    LOL! I'm with the producer on this one, obviously. And you didn't mean her to try it, anyway.

    Great interview. I'm going to call it "wrist bumping" from now on.

    Oh, and after three hours in the hairdresser's today, I came out with a remarkably similar hairdo to yours. Not in any spirit of trichological stalking - I gave the stylist free rein and he clearly thought a "Puckrik" would suit me. He has sold me lots of souffle and a sea spray for that just jumped off a surf board look, which smells remarkably like Fleurs de Sel. I have also had an important lesson in rotational scrumpling. Why, this could prove to be the salon's new "Aniston" cut...

    PS The eyebrow wasn't included.

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  20. lovelyandroid, that would have been disorienting for you to happen upon me on your television!

    Heh, flittersniffer, I figured you'd enjoy that Nuit Noire mention. And I like "trichological stalking". A new slant on "Single White Female". I fervently feel that my current haircut is my very favorite ever in my entire life. And it also resulted from giving the stylist free rein. Except in my case, my clever cutter takes 10 minutes or less to do it.

    BTW, "rotational scrumpling" sounds like a something out of the 2010 edition of the Kama Sutra.

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  21. Definitely the 2010 version...for the busy corporate couple - all dexterity and fitness, very little spirituality-schmirituality new age nonsense.

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  22. Dear lord, this was hilarious! I'm still trying to wrap my head around the trout perfume; that has got to be the weirdest scent reference I have come across. I also love: "My tie smells like nothing right now." (Cause I'm a man! And men don't know anything about cologne, silly woman! We smell like mountain mist and masculinity and our ties don't smell at all. Ever.)

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  23. JAntoinette: the trout and tie bits were my favorite parts, too. I was so happy when the producer started talking about "trout perfume" before the broadcast. In my head I was going, "Thanks for the material, lady!"

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